errand

THE ERRAND

(Reading time 5.5 minutes)

Saturday was my day to sleep in.  No appointments, just dozing for an extra hour of deep dreamy sleep, but not this Saturday.  “Wake up Russ.” Wake up was disturbing my much deserved extra hour.  “Yes dear, what is it?”  “You have to run an errand for me”, she said.  “Tonight we are going out with the Chapmans for dinner. You have to go to Faye Rainer’s house and pick up my dress that she altered for me.”  I remember Faye Rainer. She is an excitingly sexy lady.  “Do you mean Faye, the pretty blonde divorcee?” I said?  “ Yes.  She does alterations and promised that my dress would be ready by 11:00. Here’s her address, and hurry back.”  “OK”, I agreed.  No overtime extra deep sleep for me today. For some reason, I was happy to do this errand.

After getting it all together, I proceeded to Faye’s condominium. I was half an hour early.  I knocked. From the other side of the door I heard, “Is it Russ?”  I replied, “Yes it is, to pick up my wife’s dress.” “Oh you’re early. Your wife called me and said you would stop by.”  Faye cracked the door about six inches, and I could see she was not yet dressed for visitors.  I caught a glimpse of a thin lavender dressing gown, with ruffled sleeves dangling in the partially opened door.  “I didn’t expect you until after eleven”, she purred, “but if you will just wait outside, and count to 100, then you may come in and have a seat until I’m ready.”

I counted to 100, and then opened the door to a lovely feminine plushy furnished room, all in white and violet, with a romantic scent from incense.  What is this all about, I thought. It isn’t even noon yet?  I sat down.  In a minute or so, she peeked out from her boudoir, wrapping her arm around the door, exposing most of her bare arm and a little bit of the sheer Violet ruffled sleeve gown.  “It will just take a few minutes for me to get ready.” “Oh, you don’t have to get dressed for me”, I replied, “I just came to pick up the dress.”   “Relax”, she said.  “Help yourself to a drink.  The mixings are on the bar.”  As I gazed at the bar, I noticed a small table in the bay window at the far side of the room, with a lacy table cover.  Two candles already burning, and a wine bottle inverted in an ice cooler.  Also crackers and some cheese dip, and then faintly, I heard Johnny Mathis singing Misty on the CD player. “Oh”, I said, “You must be expecting company.”  “No”, she said, “just you!”  Uh oh, I thought.  My wife would never send me on another errand if she could see this set-up.  With that, she sashayed from the bedroom, the gown flowing as in a Loretta Young movie set, doused heavily with cologne, filling the room with her delightfully feminine fragrance.    I nervously stuttered, “You look like you’re right out of a movie.”  “May we dance she asked?”  Oh boy, all I need is to get her perfume or make-up on me and I’m dead.  “But first”, she said, “come over here by the window, look outside, and don’t turn around until I tell you.” She stood behind me and said, “Close your eyes.  Don’t open them until I tell you.”  I imagined that I could feel the warmth from her body at my back. I peeked a little to the right.  I noticed that the sheer lavender gown, fell to the floor by my side.  Wow, I am in trouble, I reasoned.   She said, “You can turn around now, but keep your eyes closed until I tell you.”  As I slowly started turning, a very loud doorbell rang.  “Oh my God!” she gasped, “That must be my husband.”  “Husband? I thought you were divorced”, I said.  “I am, but he won’t let me go.  He’s crazy jealous and promised to kill me if I dallied. Quick, hide in the bedroom.”

I ran into the bedroom and jumped into the bed, under the blanket.  The bell kept ringing, ringing and ringing.  It wouldn’t stop.  With that, the bedroom door burst open, and there in the doorway, was… not her husband… IT WAS MY WIFE, yelling at the top of her voice.  “Now you listen to me”, she screamed, shaking my shoulder. “You promised to do a simple errand for me and this is how I find you, still under the covers and in bed.  Didn’t you hear me?  Get out of bed right now, get dressed and go pick up my gown.  This is the second time I awakened you this morning. And turn off that damn alarm clock!”